Elements

Ok, so in Chesterfield the Green Room, the "alternative" pub closed. It was in decline anyway and we didn't go too often anyway. However the option to go always remained there, and I think we maybe finished up there more nights than realised. When it shut, we had nowhere to go. And then a new club opened called Elements. It would play mainstream music one night and alternatie music on the other.

Fridays would play mainstream music, and then they introduced this neat idea of charging 89p per drink. On all drinks, apart from doubles, where you'd obviously be charged twice. So this meant that everyone suddenly went to Elements. The people who used to go to the Green Room crawled out from wherever it is they dwell and came out, but not for alternative music, for cheap drinks. This would be ok. However so did everyone who was broke and wanted to get wasted for a tenner, and this means you'll be waiting for days for your drink. Worse than that, it's brought about people who are just idiots, a few of the following are unfortunately Elements 'regulars':

The idiot in a pirate hat. A full grown man who for some inexplicable reason wears a pirate hat. He sometimes lets other people try it on, crazy. He lets us all experience the crazy thrill of being a pirate! No. Actually he just has a hat, no pirate attire. Nothing pirate like about him. But he gladly smiles and takes pictures smiling and he tags everyone in his photos on Facebook  in albums called 'Pirate nights'. I just think it creates a ridicoulsly over the top sense of self worth, which annoys me greatly. Also he's not a fucking pirate.

The Spiteful Frog. Comically this is my friend Adams ex girlfriend. She's a very loud repetitive person. She can't ever accept that she's wrong about anything ever. She has few friends but lives in the ignorant assumption everyone loves her. She's very self righteous and if you're foolish enough to speak to her for more than ten seconds she will contact you everyday until you die or fake your death, like I assume many already have. Still, ignorance is bliss. Called the spiteful frog because she looks like the result of Kermit The Frog with Miss Piggy's hair. In her photo's she likes to pull the same gormless frog like expression. Funny yes. Pleasant, no.

The worst kind of everyman. You know every other drunken idiot who wants to drink and fight? All of them are in Elements, especially since the introduction of the £10 all you can drink night. The amount of these people is unreal, and the way they want to fight for the most trivial things makes your head hurt thinking about it. After a man stood on my feet he told me it was "ok" that I stood on him but he'd like an apology. When I explained that he'd stood on me, he denied it, and I refused to apologise to some retard for him standing on me. Fortunately I walked off before this situation resulted in anything.

Unfortunately this is just a few problems with this club. The music gets progressively worse. By worse I often mean mainstream, and with it getting more mainstream this attracts more people. So an already popular club becomes ridiculous. Of course, if you you've bothered to read this you may wonder why I know so much about it. I have a habit of going, quite often, not because I particuarly like it, but it sure is cheap.

5 Funniest reactions to the Earthquake

Ok, I've heard people talking about that pissing earthquake since it happened, up until this Friday I'm bored of the conversation, however I've heard some good reactions,

5. A lot of people in Stavely fled their houses, went out onto the street, expecting flames, because they thought there had been a terrorist attack, I commented that crashing a plane into the Stavely Club would be doing us a favour.

4. Apparently quite a few people did this, a girl I know rang the Police and said her house had been shaking, does this strike anyone else as stupid?

3. A man I know in Brimington first called out asking who was there, then realised he lived on his own, so weilding a fire extinguisher as a weapon searched his house shouting threats to nobody, despite the fact that all the windows were shut the door was locked, he still did it, and then told people. Odd.

2. An old lady made it onto the radio by flushing the toilet a second before the earthquake, she thought it was the plumbing in her house that was shaking everything and then she didn't dare have anything in her house on that would use water and made a very nervous call to the council.

1. A girl in my college class rang her parents straight after the earthquake and said "has your bed been shaking"?

It's like it brought out the stupidity in everyone, I woke up and swung my arm round shouting "get off" come to think of it, as if I thought somone was shaking my bed.....

Goodbye Greenroom

Well, it appears that the Green Room has closed down, there's still rumours it will turn into the same sort of pub, but that looks increasingley unlikely. And to be fair, the Green Room had, had better days. Now when you went in recently it was either empty or alternatively full of kids with black eyeliner who think that the 4 pints they've had is the wildest night out they've ever had and it's fucken menkal.

Now, I remember the glorious days when you used to walk in and on the table straight opposite the bar there'd be people "skinning up". When round the corner to the wall closest to the bar there'd be piss heads(often myself included) trying to build a castle out of beerglasses and bottles. Opposite us was the table near the big window, that used to have the same group of people sat at it since I can remember, which is longer than you'd think. They all stopped going recently, that group used to just be stoners, constantly skinning up and always completely drunk. Even when they had no money, they used to sneak big bags of wine into the pub, you know the ones you get from the boxes, and then as they got more drunk pour wine into other drinks and then neck it, this included snake bite and sambuca. It was mental, no one does that anymore.

The people and the music changed, as the DJ's got progressively worse, there was a glorious time I remember when bands as obscure as Pink Grease, Art Brut, Boy Hits Car and Silverchair would be played, without me asking as well. They used to play songs you didn't know, but would be awsome, or play songs that people all knew and there used to be a fucking mosh pit, many a time I remember being knocked through fire doors and over tables, this has all changed. All these things stopped though, in reality it should've closed when they did.   

Years ago I made many, many friends at the Green Room, not even all of them terrible. But the pub died along time ago. It became a Saturday night Bar 69, the worst kind of bar. The music changed and the Bar 69 freaks started going, I believe this is one of it's reasons for closing. Obviously real people stopped going when they saw the people that go out on a Tuesday night started going, then we started hearing Bodies by Drowning Pool and Halo by Soil and Chop Suey and Toxicity by SOAD, all in a line, just like at 69. Last year the Green Room had lost the plot, by January no one went, and now it's been sold, and closed, nobody knew it was closing so there was no big last night out, however that's oddly fitting.   

Curry's

So, after the very, very long train journey from Bangor it occurred to me I would benefit from having an mp3 player. As everyone else on the planet seems to have one, and I used my mobile and then I lost my earphones and it's got limited memory, and yeah, I need an mp3 player, you get my point.

So I walked into town and thought I'd be best looking in a an electronics shop, which means my options are quite limited, there's either Curry's or PC World, oh and there's that Panasonic shop, but since when does anyone buy anything made by Panasonic?

Knowing that I dislike a number of staff at PC World Curry's was the obvious choice, so I cheerfully strolled on down to Curry's. When I got there I found the section with mp3 players, I found one I'd remembered seeing in an Argos catalogue, obviously Curry's gave no actual information about it, cuz they have those staff who know these things and they come and talk to you. I decided I wanted to buy this mp3 player , now all I needed to do was talk to one of these people, since obviously they don't  have them out so you can just take one to the till. So I waited, there was staff nearby, stood doing nothing, but they just looked at me, not one said "can I help you".

I'd been stood by myself for quite some time, becoming increasingly angry as two staff stood, not doing anything, and I wanted this pissing mp3 player, I then realised I'd have to ask somone to get one of the bloody things. So I went over to ask when the man I was going to ask decided to ask some birk wandering around without aim if he'd like assistance. So I decided I'd look in Argos, since the people here are idiots.

I arrived at Argos, found the mp3 playerin the catalogue, it tells you everything, it's a bit more expensive here, but that's cool, oh, wait, they haven't got any in stock. So, that was it, back to Curry's. I thought that they may ask if I want assistance now, since I've already stood in this same spot for 10 fucking minutes, but no, a further 10 minutes and I was still stood, very angry at this point.

I noticed again there were two people stood, doing fuck all, I thought maybe it's cuz I'm only buying an mp3 thing, but it cost £100, and they were talking to people buying pissing cases for pissing i-pods. It was like anyone other than me would get assistance, I'd been stood longer, I was buying something, so why was I ignored, I finally walked over to somone and said I want to buy this, why won't you let me, and he politley told me to fuck off.

So I angrily marched over to the nearest desk, which I thought was a till and showed some woman what I wanted to buy, she then sped off into the back to look for it, progress, I thought to myself. She came back and said she couldn't see one, however she said she'd check the stocklist, which I thought would've been the first thing you did, but anyway, she said they had four in stock. She then checked they weren't reserved, they weren't.She then went back to wherever she had been, to check for an mp3 player, again she returned empty handed.

Then, she said "I'll have one last look", I looked up and realised I wasn't at the check out, I was at customer services, the woman walked upto the checkout, and angrily grabbed an mp3 player. I went over, and went "Oh, thank you", she angrily replied "They're here, behind the checkout, where they're meant to be". Four staff members looked at me as if I was complete idiot, while they were actually angry at their own incompetance, but that meant nothing to their scowls. I was now the laughing stock at Curry's, but it was the staff at fault not me, fuckin fuck.

At least I thought this traumatic experience was over, but no, the woman had handed me this mp3 player when I had been stood in between two people paying, to my left somone was paying, and to my right somone was paying, there was a queue behind, I was in limbo, sort of no mans land at the checkout, although stood closest, I was nowhere, somehow I managed to leave that store, with a shiny new mp3 player, which will hopefully last some time, cuz that's the last time I'm going to pissign Curry's.   

Trains

Ok, in the last few days we've been on quite a few trains. You'll notice that when going on trains you rarely go up hills. This is because that for a train to go up a hill you need to remove gravity from the engine. To remove gravity from a train, the driver has to put a straw in the engine and suck out the gravity.

Now this sounds easy enough, but constantly inhaling gravity actually reduces your height significantly, and most train drivers actually become dwarves. Once they become dwarves they must then retire to stop them shrinking out of existence. So, for the drivers to have a lifelong career they have to build train tracks with as few hills as possible.

Now, you may have noticed that trains go significantly quicker than cars, this is because although the tracks are pretty much flat, the trains are streamlined. This means that if you put gravity in the engine the train will speed up considerabley. As long as there's no nearby hills, putting gravity into a trains engine will rapidly speed up the train. And that's how trains work. Fact